GWAR NEWS

SLEAZY P. MARTINI, LEGENDARY UNDERWORLD MOGUL, TO RETURN TO THE ROCK STAGE WITH THE MIGHTY GWAR ON THEIR "ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION" TOUR 2008!



Greeting losers, it is I, the world's shrewdest man, Sleazy P. Martini, manager of GWAR, announcing an entertainment merger between GWAR, Mid-Galactic Wrestling and the 2008 Presidential Election, in a craptacular mashup of a tour we have named "Electile Dysfunction '08." Due to popular demand, or cheap club owners that need to be "Martinied", after stiffing me last tour, I have personally come out of my semi-retirement of managing the entire porn industry to make sure that this will be the fairest and squarest test of American Presidential metal we can rig my way. Diebold can't stop the double dollop of degradation and destruction that Clinton and Obama will receive nightly at the hands of Oderus and Bone Snapper, or the torture that will see McCain mc-skinned as the candidates will be forced to prove their Presidential chops in the only arena that matters- the wrestling arena. Yes, all three candidates are on a fight card that also features a Bozo Destructo and Sawborg Destructo, as the Desructo-Destucto Express, in a championship tag team match vs. GWAR that will determine Earth's future, for a couple of hours nightly. Yes, the American Presidency and the Mid-Galactic Wrestling belts are on the line, at your local Puko-Plex Organized Death Arena, and you dumb fucks will miss it-- unless you steal your mom's credit card and get tickets now!

It's politics decided by death sport, the kind of election America deserves.

Also on the bill will be Kingdom of Sorrow (featuring members of Hatebreed and Crowbar) and Portland's thrash- lords Toxic Holocaust. Yeah, I own them, too!

Sleazy P. Martini
Manager of GWAR

Oderus in new commercial

ODERUS URUNGUS TO HOST GOLDEN GODS 2008 AWARDS!


Attention human scum! You in back, put the crack pipe down! And give it to me. Wait, no, fill it up first. With crack you idiot, not your bloody boogers! O.K., lets try again-- It is I, ME, ODERUS URUNGUS, ruler of Earth and lead singer of the sickest band in metal (or any other substance), the mighty GWAR, here to bombard you with an announcement of cosmic import! I farted! And also this?yours truly, I, me , Oderus Urungus (did I mention my name?) have been given the ass-splitting honor of hosting the most prestigious ceremony in the world of metal, the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 awards, held at the IndigO2 (O2 Arena) in London, England! Yes, I am as confused as you are, considering that the only thing greater than the contempt I feel for all humans is my ignorance of the music they play. But I shall put aside all these feelings of hatred (because I wasn?t nominated for anything), and join with my metallic brethren and?sistren(?) in what promises to be the most debauched night in metal awards shows in London that I host history! This colossal event shall feature not one but two stages, and one of them is on a boat! And you know how I love boats, or at least sinking them. Job For a Cowboy and Bring Me the Horizon shall play as the murky waters of the Thames close about their heads! Then on to the main event, where DISTURBED, IN FLAMES, TESTAMENT and CHILDREN OF BODOM shall entertain with their sonic sickness, and, with a host of others that I have never listened to and am completely oblivious of, shall gather together under the banner of METAL (well, not really a banner of metal, I mean a banner is usually made out of cloth, but you get the picture)?but anyway, lots of hairy, smelly people will be getting together to get drunk and give each other awards, and apparently I will be announcing the winners from a podium or something. And your votes will decide the winners, as they wouldn?t agree with my idea of making these people fight to the death for the dubious honors over which they vie. So show your support for the loudest form of music in history, and go to http://www.metalhammer.co.uk to cast your votes. And make sure you vote for Municipal Waste as best underground act! Finally the night shall end (possibly) in the drug-soaked reverie of the dreaded after-party, where the members of Viking Skull will take turns vomiting in a moldy jock-strap, the chunks of which shall be distributed to the jeering crowd. After that the audience which has not wound up dead or in prison shall be free to leave. Mein Gott, what hath thou wrought! And I will be bashing, bellowing and barking out orders all goddamn night! And now to address that one problem with this whole proceeding?that I?m not nominated for anything! So I?m proposing a new category??biggest cock in rock??and the winner is?ME!

DISTURBED, IN FLAMES, TESTAMENT and CHILDREN OF BODOM are scheduled to perform at the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 ceremony on Monday, June 16 at the IndigO2 (O2 Arena) in London, UK.

Hosted by Oderus Urungus from legendary metal crew GWAR, the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 will boast the most elaborate production ever seen from a rock awards show. Metal Hammer will also host a second stage for the first time ever, aboard the Thames' finest vessel, the Dixie Queen. A bunch of rabid fans will get the chance to see live sets from some of the hottest up-and-coming metal bands in the world, including BRING ME THE HORIZON and JOB FOR A COWBOY, while chugging their way up the Thames to the O2.

For a complete list of this year's Metal Hammer Golden Gods nominees, click here.

MTV2 is once again confirmed as the TV partner to the Metal Hammer Golden Gods and will broadcast an exclusive Golden Gods program following the ceremony. XFM is the radio partner.

ODERUS SPOTTED IN PITTSBURGH WITH NEW GIRLFRIEND


Antarctic rock god and known despoiler of 83% of the surface world, ODERUS URUNGUS, lead singer of the mighty GWAR, was sighted recently in balmy Pittsburgh with this beautiful hag. The loving couple were observed sitting at a bus stop across from Heinz Field at 8:30 in the freezing morning cold for no apparent reason. This picture was snapped from the safety of a passing tank that moments later ran afoul of an insurgent roadblock. This apparent shift in affections marks Oderus's latest foray into love-land since his widely-witnessed anal break-up with Pookie the Wonder-Dog. Speculation as to the identity of this latest sexual conquest has ranged from the woman being Anastasia Romanov, the last surviving child of murdered Russian Czar Nicholas, to an ageing Mary Poppins. Speculation has ceased however, due to the discovery of the woman's fucked, burned, and headless body in a trash dumpster behind pardoned rapist's Jerome Bettis' bar.

When asked why the police have no apparent interest in the woman's identity, pig spokesman Jim Nasium said, "We're talking about GWAR here. If Oderus wants to come to town and rape old ladies, I'm not gonna stop him. In fact Oderus has called me personally to assure me the body was not my Mom and to offer the corpse to the general public as a free fuck-hole. Plus Jerome's place is a rape-free zone, meaning you're allowed to rape". In keeping with his master's wishes, Nasium will nail the woman's body to a tree outside the bar, where homeless people are encouraged to come by and "put their dicks in her".

GWAR is currently in their Antarctic fortress/ studio planning and producing their greatest work yet in celebration of next year's 25th anniversary. The band plans to do some limited touring this summer, go to Japan in September, and devastate the U.S. this fall with a their take on the American elections. This is expected to be a violent one.

WORDS FROM THE MASTER, ODERUS?

yes, my faithful habs, we have triumphed yet again (ahhh, it's almost passe', this "triumph" thing), and have returned to our arctic playground of glorious ANTARCTICA (located, of course, in the arctic). Now that the hideous, gore-drenched events of the year 2007 have ground their way to a semi-apocalyptic conclusion, we pause, for the nonce, to consider what horrors we heaped upon others, and laugh about it.
We had slain so many. My sword and my arm became one-- a veritable cleaving machine for time eternal, and how our battles raged?I actually lost valuable blow-job time killing people! And people say I don't have my priorities straight. Because I enjoy killing more than having sex -- no cum shot on the fall tour! What the fuck? Is Oderus losing his bloody load? I assure you not! But I know there were legions of load-barges that left these shows unfu-"filled", and I promise to bring back to you TWICE, nay, THRACE (and if that wasn't a word, it is now!) THRACE (so good I had to use it again) the moatloads of goatload you have come to expect, indeed, rely upon, to ram up into your diseased and gaping vadge, in hopes of spawning my mutant beast-brat, that it may gnaw it's way free of your heinous hive-womb. And it's even worse if you are a girl! Plus there were plenty of other loads spewed elsewhere?the inside of the bat-shaped helicopter looked like fucking Shelob's lair! Just thinking about it makes me want to un-cork one? slippery Sam is four-fingers and one thumb on his way to a dickmeat sandwich! Hold on, this should take about 13 seconds. So go do something that will take you 13 seconds. Like eat the diarrhea out of your dying grandpa's bedpan. Quick, before your Mom gets it! She loves to eat shit. Why else do you think she sleeps in the bath? So the whole family can crap on her!

Relax, gentle bohab, for you find your warty overlord at his leisure, ready to blab?let me get a drink, smoke, and while away some time with you, spinning vapid yet banal pleasantries to my stupefied attendants?it's winter here in Antarctica, and the scientists have gone back to their various research stations (and these places are growing all the time?McMurdo Sound has a fuckng Starbucks!), but don't you think that just because we have stopped touring our murderous fury has abated?.NO, we gave these Antarctic tree-huggers HELL (well, I guess ice-berg huggers would be better), busting into their staff-meetings, bashing their equipment to a shambles, throwing helicopters filled with sled-dogs at them?how they begged for their lives. Word of advice---if I am ever about to kill you, and you beg for your life, please do?I love it! You'll still die and all?if you really want to save your life suck my dick, I guess, that's what this Norwegian scientist just did?is still doing in fact! So while I enjoy my suck-job (never got the term "blow-job?always seemed to be a lot more sucking involved), let me catch you up on what ever the fuck GWAR is doing, and what we plan on doing next. Quite simply, the most important news in the world!

Right now we are LOST. I know I'm in Antarctica, and I know I'm sitting amongst the flaming wreckage of a Norwegian research facility, fucking this chick's head (the rest came loose), but I can't find my fucking fortress. I mean, I'm wanting to kick back in the Hall of Human Hatred and get Burl Ives out of his box! But you may remember---on the last album---we LET OUR KEEP GET DESTROYED. Yeah, that's right, now it can be revealed?I was NOT in a drug-induced stupor, well, not the kind of drugs that make you blow up temples. We let the temple get blown up because?um?I believe Devin thought that up! So we've been on our little tour of Hell (great place?and the best part for you guys is you probably ARE gonna get to go there..)?as we were on tour there, the Slaves that didn't come with us (can't quite remember their names) got to work building us a new Temple of GWAR, even better than the old one! Problem is?can't seem to find it! Got the address and everything?Number 1, GWAR Temple Lane! But MapQuest works even shittier down here!

But I just wanted to bring up one thing for right now?the 25th ANNIVERSARY of GWAR on EARTH is only one year away! Start getting ready?the biggest party ever is right around the corner! And in fact the 24th year must be celebrated to it's fullest extent, because it's the last year before the 25th! And that makes it fucking rule! Our disease-ravaged brains have already conjured the battle-plans that will encompass both your complete and utter self-fulfillment so that afterwards life simply is not worth living anymore?but for now it is! GWAR's 25th ANNIVERSARY is right around the corner! My labia quivers with glee! Wait, I don't have a labia. Well, something is quivering down there?in the deepest and darkest conclave of conspiracy GREAT things are being planned?things that will make you so very happy, and so very dead, and GWAR so very covered in shit?more details I cannot reveal (because they don't exist) but I pledge this? uh uh uh ahhhhhhhh?.just blew this chicks jaw off?catch your breath while you can human?GWAR is planning our return!